What is life …but a desire unfulfilled…And a hope to dream again.
Shipra has just finished her schooling. She was a loner, unusual for age. Not that, she didn’t have any friends but only a few, including a red tattered dairy which reserved her deep desires, so called secrets and joys inside its yellow pages. She could have considered a deviant by her peer group, perhaps because she doesn’t want to interact much with the people around her. Strangely enough, at the same time liked to discover new places and cultures and wasn’t that uncomfortable with strangers. A person like are either confused about themselves or believe too much on their hunches. In her case too, it was her heart that ruled over her mind.
She had two dreams; perhaps these dreams were every girl’s dreams, at least in India. First, getting the love of her life, and second because of her passionate, mystical nature, was to have a career that gives her freedom. The career that also helps her to express herself and let her travel and explore. She wanted to become an artist. She was born with the talent and people who knew her told her that she has knack for drawing and sketching .It was her deep down desire to become a famous artist.
Against her father wishes, she joined BFA course in Delhi College of Arts. Her father wanted her to study life sciences, a career that would have helped her secure a job. Like, most Indian parents they also believed that daughters should be trained to get a secure job, get married and this is how they live happy ever after.
Her father had asked, “what are going to do with this BFA degree, no one is going to give you any job.” He would have never expected when Shipra replied with determination, “Papa, this is what I wanted to do always.”
She joined the course with hope to find same contentment, which she usually derived from spending endless hours, making sketches and painting .During her first year itself, she got a chance to go to Ooty for excursion where students of different colleges were also there. She was more than excited on her very first venture although no one could ever make out from the expression she had on her serious face. After all, her gypsy mind now ready to explore a new city, other than Delhi where, her monotonous routine, was stifling her.
She boarded the early morning train from crowded Nizzamuddin station, with her batch mates. Her instinctive mind told her that this journey is going to be an important one in her life. With dreams in her eyes and music in her ears, she sat excitedly on the window seat. The sunlight from morning sun made her face look more beautiful, her cognac colored eyes gleamed. The train was paced fast now and crossed many miles. It was always a pleasure to watch pastures, fields and rivers running along the train. Soon she drifted into a different world altogether. She felt protected and free in her illusionary world where she is free from distractions of outside world. Here too, she was alone except the pair of dark eyes which kept following her, since she boarded the train. She knew that she is pretty and has a certain kind of appeal on her face; her big light colored eyes were rare to find.
The train halted at Gwalior junction. By the time most of the students were being introduced to each other. Her friend Madhu introduced her to Ayaan, a senior post graduate student. She was not a friendly kind though; she could not ignore his dark eyes and charismatic smile. He was mature which made him even more desirable to her. Before she could understand the emotion and excitement she felt for this stranger, Ayaan and she became friends. She was drawn to him like she knew him since time immortal.
The trip became memorable one, in his company. They were together most of the time during the trip. Ayaan’s deep voice, his mannerism, his ambitious talks, and zest for life, all had a sweeping effect on her mind. She was in love with Ayaan.
Ayaan was an orphan boy from a small town of Uttrakhand, who wanted to achieve a lot in his life. He wanted to go abroad for post doctorate and was extremely practical person contrary to what Shipra was ,an extremely emotional person . He was hard working and also a self made man, and Shipra loved this very thing in him.
They used to meet frequently after that. She liked every bit of his company and would wait for hours at their place of their rendezvous, the big Peepal tree, outside the Central library. He would take her along to places wherever he had to go for work .She loved the way he held her hand in an auto and endlessly talked about his work and his dreams about future. Time slipped by, days into months and months into years. Ayaan never expressed his love clearly to her, nor did he ever mentioned any plans to marry her, then why did she hear what he never said, how was she sure that he loved her.
They spent evenings, mostly under the tree near the tea stall inside campus. That day also, she noticed, that he picked her bindi which had fallen on her side and put it in his pocket. She had noticed it before also, so she asked amusingly, “Ayaan, why do you do you keep picking up my bindis.” Ayaan smiled, “what else can be so memorable than this visual, these Bindis of yours will remind me of you dear.” Her heart skipped beating for a while and she was sure he loved her. She felt like a little princess in his presence and he was her hero .Little she knew, what future had in store for her.
She tried conveying her feelings to him, but her introvert and shyness never actually allowed speaking her real desire that how badly she wanted him in her life. She assumed that he also feels the same way. Four years of togetherness was about to finish. Shipra gave exams for final year, Ayaan was about to finish his doctorate by then.
It was month of October, and she could feel the breeze on her face, in the evening as she sat beside him sipping tea, from the stall. The sunlight was fading but was enough to see clearly the grim expression his face. She still remembers that day when she couldn’t hold it in her anymore. She cleared her throat before confronting him about how he feels about their future together. It was her fear of being rejected or the way Ayaan has started behaving since last few months, as if she knew the answer. Ayaan, without even facing her, in his cold voice, told her that he has never thought of her as future partner and that he never planned of getting settled down so soon.
She stopped meeting him after that .It was too heavy on her heart to bear this. She cocooned herself in her illusion world again, a safe place where no one can hurt her anymore . Her days were spent indoors, and interaction with people was almost negligible. Most of the times either she was crying or scribbling in her dairy.
Two months later, she was told by her friend that not only Ayaan has left India for post doctorate; he has married his batch mate Ritu, whose father was an influential person .This came as a final blow to her. Rejection was a bit bearable but marrying a batch mate just after their breakup was too much for her. How can he do that to her? Or it was her mere illusion that she spun around to escape reality, after all, he never said he loved her. She couldn’t escape the agony and withdrew herself into her shell. For days she refused to come out from her room and stopped talking to anyone. Her family though knew she going through something but the change was not evident to them, as Shipra knew how to hide her real emotional side.
It was Sunday in November; Shipra was still in the bed, when her parents and sister had to go out. The whirlpool of memories of days spent with Ayaan, played like a movie in her mind. The pain of being shunned by Ayaan, overtook her. She caught hold of her father’s Destiny hunter knife, ripped off her veins. Her emotions had ruled over her mind once again.
She is free, drifting in to an unknown world of bright golden light .But, surprisingly, she is feeling at home, safe and secure again. This was the place she always wanted to be, and she is going to take birth again refreshed……..
It was Monday night; she opened her eyes and regained consciousness. Her teary eyed father was standing beside her, in the hospital room. She had never seen him crying before; she felt she was a fool to commit suicide for a man who probably never loved her.
Her family was relieved that she has revived. Shipra knew that she has to gather courage and start her life afresh. This was the beginning, she could feel the change brought to her after the experience she had during her unconsciousness. She felt closer to the divine as well and realized that life is too precious to end it for something too trivial like an affair. It is much more meaningful.
It took almost a month to recover from the physical and mental bruises; she didn’t care about mental ones anymore. Inquisitive, insensitive neighbors and relatives do pinch her time to time, but she overcame all. She could avert her mind from being distracted and soul from getting hurt.
After this incident she immersed herself into her passion for colors, and her family supported her. She now determined to take charge of her life. She studied and secured admission in Chelsea school of art, for her masters. She was ready to join one of world premier institutes.
Two years later….
She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf. It was a sunny day at 9.00 a.m. Shipra stopped for a coffee at cafe in Horniman Circle, Mumbai. She chose a place near window as view on the road was lively to watch. A light filtering through large orange curtains was lightening her face, making her eyes more glitzy. There was still some time for Chemould Prescott Road Gallery to be opened, where her work was to be exhibited along with India’s biggest artists.
She let her imagination let go free again and her consciousness slipped silently into her own world. This time she had on something to hook on. This time her dream was not dependent on anyone else but on herself, her own courage and confidence. This time there was a string and inspiration to pull her back into the real world. This time she won’t get carried away, like she got two years back.
Her dream like state was broken by the door being opened by someone, people have started pouring in.
She sighed, as if she has lived her entire life, sitting next to window almost marooned café. It’s time to go. She picked her handbag and her red tattered diary along with cleanly wrapped in cling film, the blood stained knife. Yes, she preserved the knife which she used for cutting her ties from this world, to escape in to a different one. It’s her way to connect to the real world to get inspired and to get her hooked to the fact that she has accepted herself despite being rejected by someone. What else can be so memorable than this visual, the blood stained knife, that will remind her of him. Shipra elegantly draped her blue silk scarf around her neck and walked out from the café. She plugged into the music and headed towards the gallery.
It was your love that made me soar high…
It was your love that made me cry…
It was my courage that I fought back my tears…
It was the faith that helped conquer my fears.
